Thrown it in park
Saturday, December 23rd, 2017 17:17![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xkeeperAbout two weeks ago, I wrote the big one; the coming-out post, where after a lot of deliberation, I finally just said that I think I'm trans, and that was that. It feels so simple now, when it took months of struggle to finally admit it, and yet it feels ... pointless.
I'm still internally confused and unsure. Even though I've admitted it openly — and the number of people who replied with "I saw this coming" or "I thought you already were a girl" ended up fairly high — it doesn't feel like anything really changed.
Since I've been trying to put my thoughts out, I'll do that again here. I can't think of how to best order this, so I'll just go with how they come out.
I have a few options I can take:
Do nothing. This is basically the status quo, and it's what's been happening since I originally knew years ago but constantly suppressed my feelings about. It's comfortable; it's the known versus the unknown. The easy way out. Dysphoria for me isn't terrible. While I hate some parts of me, I've always hated them. It's normal. It doesn't bother me to the level it seems to bother others; I sigh wistfully at the mirror and resent pictures when I'm unshaven, but aside from a few other things... In any case, this option is the easiest by far.
Self medicate. At least at first. This one came up as a suggestion by one or two people before I officially came out. I would not be the first person in our household to be doing this, but the other person who does originally had a prescription but lost health insurance; I would be going at it alone. I'm not really confident in doing this, for a few reasons, including one interesting twist ‐ more on that after this.
Seek therapy. The obvious solution, but therapy is difficult. I have to find a therapist I can talk to, after already being put off by what happened last time. I hate dealing with phones and making appointments, and I just. I don't know. If I could find one easily, I'd go for it, but it's too much effort and stress when I'm already exhausted, just to maybe find someone I could talk about it to. (Most of my interactions with the health care system have been terrible in general, from being ignored to everything else...)
Go to a real doctor. An endocrinologist, technically. This one has the same twist as the self-med one above, and I'll explain that now. This option with a therapist are the "best way" to go, but also the most difficult.
Okay, that's done. Now for the silly twist, and one thing that's definitely caused doubt.
My testosterone levels are already fucked up. Badly enough that, when my doctor was talking about it, they had to ask if I knew of any injuries I've had there (none to my knowledge). In the section of adult-males around my age, the apparent "normal" range is around 300 to 800. Mine has come back around 125 to 180 each of the three times it's been tested. I didn't think much of this, because it's not a huge difference (to me), and trying to do research on this issue is impossible due to all the badvertising about how important maintaining excessive testosterone is to Manliness™. But it hit me a little harder when I saw someone talking about their results on Spiro and how their T levels had dropped to ~300... from 800. And asking other people who were trans and seeing similar initial ranges, well above 300.
I was actually prescribed both a gel and injectable T about four years ago, and again two years ago, respectively. I tried the gel for a day or two and hated how it felt to use — I hate having my hands gooey/sticky — but I couldn't even bring myself to try the injections. Something just felt wrong; I was worried that, knowing how much hormones balance our emotions, I wouldn't be "myself" any more... and to some level, that I would be closing the door on being trans, too, in a way (it's hard to explain well, sorry). That being "broken" like this was just... who I was, and I liked it, and...
...
I'm struggling to find words to explain what I mean. Having fucked up hormone levels gives me an out, an explanation; "maybe I'm just feeling like this because of that." But at the same time, I don't want to fix it. I like who I've become, what I've decided; in a way, it's...
...
I can't put what I'm thinking into words any more. It shouldn't be this hard! Why am I having such a hard time describing my own thoughts! This is stupid. I was happy to have made the decision, and now I've had time to think about it and I'm mired in doubt again. I'm tired of being broken like this. I don't understand any of this. I feel like I'm fighting to break out of all this stupid gender bullshit and I don't know why or what or anything! I don't understand.
I don't understand.
What is even happening. Why? Why is everything so difficult to figure out? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? Why is it so hard to make literally any decision.
I just don't understand.
I'm still internally confused and unsure. Even though I've admitted it openly — and the number of people who replied with "I saw this coming" or "I thought you already were a girl" ended up fairly high — it doesn't feel like anything really changed.
Since I've been trying to put my thoughts out, I'll do that again here. I can't think of how to best order this, so I'll just go with how they come out.
I have a few options I can take:
Do nothing. This is basically the status quo, and it's what's been happening since I originally knew years ago but constantly suppressed my feelings about. It's comfortable; it's the known versus the unknown. The easy way out. Dysphoria for me isn't terrible. While I hate some parts of me, I've always hated them. It's normal. It doesn't bother me to the level it seems to bother others; I sigh wistfully at the mirror and resent pictures when I'm unshaven, but aside from a few other things... In any case, this option is the easiest by far.
Self medicate. At least at first. This one came up as a suggestion by one or two people before I officially came out. I would not be the first person in our household to be doing this, but the other person who does originally had a prescription but lost health insurance; I would be going at it alone. I'm not really confident in doing this, for a few reasons, including one interesting twist ‐ more on that after this.
Seek therapy. The obvious solution, but therapy is difficult. I have to find a therapist I can talk to, after already being put off by what happened last time. I hate dealing with phones and making appointments, and I just. I don't know. If I could find one easily, I'd go for it, but it's too much effort and stress when I'm already exhausted, just to maybe find someone I could talk about it to. (Most of my interactions with the health care system have been terrible in general, from being ignored to everything else...)
Go to a real doctor. An endocrinologist, technically. This one has the same twist as the self-med one above, and I'll explain that now. This option with a therapist are the "best way" to go, but also the most difficult.
Okay, that's done. Now for the silly twist, and one thing that's definitely caused doubt.
My testosterone levels are already fucked up. Badly enough that, when my doctor was talking about it, they had to ask if I knew of any injuries I've had there (none to my knowledge). In the section of adult-males around my age, the apparent "normal" range is around 300 to 800. Mine has come back around 125 to 180 each of the three times it's been tested. I didn't think much of this, because it's not a huge difference (to me), and trying to do research on this issue is impossible due to all the badvertising about how important maintaining excessive testosterone is to Manliness™. But it hit me a little harder when I saw someone talking about their results on Spiro and how their T levels had dropped to ~300... from 800. And asking other people who were trans and seeing similar initial ranges, well above 300.
I was actually prescribed both a gel and injectable T about four years ago, and again two years ago, respectively. I tried the gel for a day or two and hated how it felt to use — I hate having my hands gooey/sticky — but I couldn't even bring myself to try the injections. Something just felt wrong; I was worried that, knowing how much hormones balance our emotions, I wouldn't be "myself" any more... and to some level, that I would be closing the door on being trans, too, in a way (it's hard to explain well, sorry). That being "broken" like this was just... who I was, and I liked it, and...
...
I'm struggling to find words to explain what I mean. Having fucked up hormone levels gives me an out, an explanation; "maybe I'm just feeling like this because of that." But at the same time, I don't want to fix it. I like who I've become, what I've decided; in a way, it's...
...
I can't put what I'm thinking into words any more. It shouldn't be this hard! Why am I having such a hard time describing my own thoughts! This is stupid. I was happy to have made the decision, and now I've had time to think about it and I'm mired in doubt again. I'm tired of being broken like this. I don't understand any of this. I feel like I'm fighting to break out of all this stupid gender bullshit and I don't know why or what or anything! I don't understand.
I don't understand.
What is even happening. Why? Why is everything so difficult to figure out? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? Why is it so hard to make literally any decision.
I just don't understand.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-12-28 20:39 (UTC)(+) Brain dump, beware of bias:
“do nothing” is often an easy trap. “It doesn't bother me to the level it seems to bother others” works up until it doesn't—and then you don't have as much time to figure it out, and it's often been gnawing at bits of your life along the way. It's like ignoring symptoms of other misalignments in life: it usually gets worse over time if you don't deal with it.
A number of people have good results with a therapist for gender issues if they can find a friendly one, and that's sort of the “stock” option as we see it if you're trying to sort thoughts out (rather than just Going For It). But it does seem to take a while, and you often wind up with a number of awkward experiences along the way. I don't really know what's available in your area, and I don't have time to research that right now. If there's transgender support societies active nearby, you might ask them.
Some people also go a purely social route first, which has a different risk profile; your earlier post suggested you were already taking a few private steps that way. You don't have to go for medical transition early on if chemically-mediated dysphoria isn't a major problem, though it seems increasingly popular to do and it's what our predecessor did (out of necessity).
If you're looking for hormone therapy specifically (which a lot of your post leans toward, if I'm reading right) and can find and afford an informed consent clinic, I think of that as strictly better than self-medicating. Remember that term in case you need it; not knowing what to look for if you do start needing it can be Bad.
I can't give anything like a medical opinion re your existing hormone levels, but I definitely wouldn't put too much stock in the idea of them making your feelings “just because of” anything. I feel like if you were that viscerally reluctant to meddle your testosterone upwards (toward the approved “normal”, even), that's probably a sign in itself.
I would definitely say research what resources you have physically available, and if you're unclear on your desires, see what steps you can take and experiences you could try that would confirm feelings one way or another and show you the way forward. I'm sure someone's got a better checklist of this stuff than we do, I just don't know where it is right now. x..x
I would definitely not recommend just pushing it aside and waiting for it to turn into a Real Problem.
Best of luck? Hopefully?