nowhere

It's been a while. I haven't been updating; too tired.

Work has been going poorly. One of the four (well, three) developers was suddenly laid off with no warning. We were basically told we're next because the owner is running out of money, and that we don't finish anything. I'll spare the details, but I wish they would consider that we're constantly getting reassigned and we've actually finished quite a bit, it just isn't visible.

I have been on those meds for... however long. I don't know if they're helping. I don't know if I should know by now, either. The job stuff happened pretty much immediately after I started, and I've fallen apart; self-care is difficult and I struggle to basically function most days.

I have been sleeping an extraordinary amount, as well. When I go home, I have been laying down and sleeping for an hour or two or three; then I wake up for a few hours, and then it's back to sleep for six to eight hours. I'm left feeling like I have no time in the day outside of work and sleep.

...

I don't know. I'm tired. I feel completely burnt-out on life.

clearly i don't understand any of this, so i'll just shut up and be quiet about it for now.

sorry for the trouble.

My mental health appointment is actually this week; when I heard "Friday" I suppose I missed the "next" that was with it, or at least didn't bother to check the follow-up email with the appointment reminder until 10 minutes before I was going to leave for it.

Whatever.

this sure has been a week, hasn't it

hopefully things get better

That one being (deep inhale) I Signed Up To Be The Substitute Familiar Of A Struggling Witch To Pay My Bills And I'm Just Now Realizing What I Got Myself Into. This is the third light novel Zandra has posted, and these titles are not getting any shorter...

The first one, I Asked For Squid Maids But I Didn't Know I'd Become One! Squid Maids, I didn't really get into at all; for whatever reason I didn't even manage to start reading it, I assume because it was tied into the Splatoon universe (and I have no real interest in that series). The second one, My Friends And I Were Granted Three Wishes By A Cat Goddess And I Swear I Got Distracted When My Turn Came Around Cat Wishes, I started, but stopped at about 10%; anxiety was part of it, as well as the formatting. Zandra's original release of the novel didn't use a paragraph break between speakers, so it was easy for me to get confused and lost, and from there it just kind of fell off my plate in favor of more doomsday-Trump garbage like It's Even Worse Than You Think. I will probably go back to it soon, since the formatting was updated and it looks a lot easier to read.

The latest book, which I'll just call Substitute Familiar for now, managed to grab my interest and hold onto it.

... The rest of this entry is probably going to be a ride. And also, spoilers.

( I have a baaaaaaaaad feeling about this )

I had a conversation on IRC with a friend about names; they were not truly happy with their own name, one they had picked as a temporary measure until they found a better one, but that ended up staying longer, unable to find that better name.

Names are... complicated. They are something we are given when born. They have ties to our parents, siblings, relatives. They have meanings, even if mostly just in historical contexts. They, in a way, define us. Yet despite that, control over our own names is often guarded by others. It's something "normally" only done in marriage, and even then only by one party to it. Even if we do change it, it often feels like others are not obligated to honor it.

But even beyond that, choosing names for ourselves — taking control of one part of our identity — is difficult. Beyond the hurdles, convincing ourselves that it's something we can do is often difficult enough. If you manage to do that, you often have to deal with red tape; in some cases, going before a judge, paying huge fees, sometimes even publicising the change in a newspaper (which opens you up to objections, of course) ...

...

I am going to focus on my own name for a little while; my full name is... something I don't really care for any more. My mother once joked that I should replace my last name with her last name, as sort of an act of defiance against my father. After most of the fallout with her, I now am of the opinion that I don't want either. My first name, too, while neutral, feels wrong. The people I live with do not call me by it, opting to use my online handle. The longer form of it feels punishing; my parents would often use the longer form of my name when punishment or hurt was right around the corner.

Schools and even governments these days have passed on names and started moving to identifiers. At school, you aren't you, you're 047903. To the government, you aren't you, you're 987-65-4321.

But the internet, especially early on, was one way we could claw back our names for ourselves. We could pick what name we wanted to use. We could use different names in different places. We could often change those names whenever we wanted, to suit our mood, the environment, or our changing selves.

...

That allowed me to get past my name problems, somewhat. But... even my online handle feels wrong, and has for many years.

Most people know me as "Xkeeper". This was a name that my mother helped coin back in 2000, when I was still arguably too young to use the internet responsibly. It played off of one of my favorite hobbies: the "X" is a standin for × ("times"), creatively shortened a bit into "time keeper". If you haven't been around for a long time, it might be hard to tell, but I am still a big fan of timekeeping and gauges and such, in general.

In recent years, I've been using just "X". In this case, it is both a shortened form, but also different: "X" itself is an abbreviation, but also a variable. It's used as a stand-in in a lot of examples. "If you have X and I have Y, then...", and such. This is intentional; for a long time, on the internet, I've pointedly tried to avoid describing myself. I've always been just some shadow, some figure that tried to not identify itself very well.

In recent years, I've sometimes switched. On a few places, you might see me as "Revya", a name borrowed from elsewhere. My headmate (tulpa) Knives refers to me as "?" when writing about me, just a question mark. I've tried various different names for a while, often plays on generic or nameless, to no avail. (My partner, Raspberry, has changed my name on her phone to Revya Centauros, for which I boop her endlessly.)

It's difficult. It's hard to pick a name for me, the person who has tried to avoid strongly identifying towards anything. I don't really know what to do, either; while I'm tired of "Xkeeper", it's what everyone knows me by, and "Revya" (especially Raspberry's version) feels cheap, just some moniker stolen from somewhere else. I feel like it's worth mentioning that most names are already "borrowed" from other concepts/histories, but...

...

I don't really know where I was going with this post, other than just getting some thoughts out of my head.

I'll figure something out, eventually, maybe.

I know this is April 1st, and I know what that day means. The joke is somewhere else; this post is actually serious.

I've been coming apart at the seams lately, and it's been getting worse.

This is a bad post, so be warned, I guess.

( bad post )

I have mostly just been depressed lately, with occasional flashes of motivation to work on one or two things. I don't have much in the way of energy.

In a few days, we are planning to go to San Francisco, an 8 hour drive both ways. We have done basically no planning for this at all, of course, so the logistics of this will be... interesting.

But beyond that, mostly just sad.

Sorry. I'll try to write more. I feel bad, because I do not want to leave this journal to rot; it was helpful to people, and helpful to me, and...

I'm just too tired for this. I don't know how to get better.

I've been meaning to write more, but it's difficult without motivation; real life is draining and crushing, and there is only so much time I have for things that feel more like obligations. Even managing things like my e-mail inbox, my real mailbox, bills, etc. has become difficult.

I have not forgotten about this place, I am just too tired to write lately.

Soon.

Not a lot has gone on, so there isn't much to really say. I haven't felt up to writing, or doing much else. I've had some depressive thoughts, some happy thoughts, but mostly just a lot of being tired.

My car had an Issue™, but it was sorted out (purge valve went bad, $350). The apartment is a little cleaner, though I found out over the weekend that rent is going up by 4%. One step forward...

I'll try to write some more soon; I've been meaning to, as I still have some stuff to talk about. It's just exhaustion and being busy with other things...